On Emotional (Un)Availability

⁣I live an awe-inspiring life, that has deeply lacked the intimacy and comfort I yearn for. ⠀

Since I have been old enough to understand partnership, I’ve witnessed beautiful exchanges of the bright passions and deep comfort between lovers. ⠀

And I’ve peered from a distance with a cold depth in my chest cavity wondering why I have yet to experience a love so kind.⠀

I spent years convincing myself that it's “not me”, praising myself that “I’m not intimidating, they’re intimidated.” ⠀

I grew so weary of hearing “Just stop looking and he will come to you when you least expect it.” And was even more tired of believing in love and having faith that one day I won’t be putting myself to bed alone each evening.⠀

After a decade of thinking its “not me”... maybe it could be. ⠀

Maybe the real reason I’ve been “rejected” is because my naive heart would lust for the infamous emotionally unavailable man. Maybe I got used to the half-thereness and insisted on it as a sign that I can prove to them I am worthy of love, just like I still try to prove to the world I am a tough woman who will rebuild herself. ⠀

Because just maybe… I reached for the emotionally unavailable knowing I would never shed all my layers either. After all, to bare my soul and allow my hidden wounds and actual deep fear of intimacy to come forward would show the world that I’m not as strong as the dark veil of social media portrays me to be. ⠀

Discovering my own emotional unavailability broke my heart more than the sum total of every slow fade or band-aid rip I ever received from boys. ⠀

But what felt like a thousand cracked spaces was the crumble of the cemented heart walls I kept for safety all along. ⠀

I’m still single... but there’s a new sense of vulnerability and transparency that is allowing new conversations to come into play. ⠀

Lol, along with a spicy self-assurance voice that can speak up and walk away at the first sign of those old red flags I used to collect like a floral bouquet. ⠀

I’m still healing the little girl in me that created her own security blanket of extreme independence. What I see now is an ever present mirror, and a relentless belief that what we experience outside… is inside too♥